Creation... a lighter view.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How
about only ten years and I'll give you back the other
ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For
this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give
you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty Years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me
to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll
give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For
this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years ? Could you possibly
give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the
ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave
back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty
years we slave in the sun to support our family. For
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit
on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you

Am I really THAT old??

I have started working at our local movie theater. Just a part time job, 15-20 hours max a week. I have come to find out that I am the oldest person that works there. This includes all the managers- right to the general manager. The former management didn't hire 'old' people... but 31? This is Arizona- land of walkers and Bengay! Just made me laugh a little.

Customer Service

When did the art of customer service die? Yesterday we went to Walmart* to do a little grocery shopping and pick up a few miscellaneous household items. M, being 6, wanted to wear his new Transformer costume. Busy, being the coolest mom ever, let him. After the boys were saints the whole trip, I managed to pick the S L O W E S T cashier ever. I am not exaggerating, embellishing, or over stating this at all. it took her 20 minutes to check us out...a high estimate would be 50 items in our cart (24 seconds per item for those that care). She painstakingly bagged things as not to crush them... stared at the belt for her next target...and repeated. The she had the nerve, the NERVE, to rudely ask if Busy had taken the tags off the costume. Busy, every so nicely said no- I bought that at Target** a week ago. Cece*** then GLARED at Busy, then M, then Busy...and muttered something about stealing. By this point the boys were hungry...so being, as aforementioned, an awesome mom, Busy gave them some crackers that had already been scanned- more GLARES from Cece (note- she was still scanning items during the costume and cracker incidents). Finally she finished...Busy started for the car while I paid. I had put my card away- having swiped it 20+ minutes ago. She glared again, and added- keep your card OUT! I smiled, and took it back out of my wallet. She then lectured me on the fact that my signature was wearing off. I offered her my drivers license... with a reply of, There is no NEED sir. Like I was the rude person here. Blah- find some charm...or don't work in public.

*Walmart now claims- "Pay Less Live Better" This does not apply to in store life.
**We really love Target- free advertising plug!!
***Cece's name WAS NOT changed to protect the innocent. She was no such thing.

Last Medical Post for Awhile

Why is it impossible to get ahold of your own medical records? I have records at 6 clinics...given what is going on it is essential that I get them. One clinic wants to charge me 1 dollar per page. Another said it may take 20 business days becuase they are 'off site'. Most act like it is a HUGE favor that they'd consider letting this leave their office... I mean after all it is only a matter of life and death and how dare I ask a file clerk somewhere to risk a papercut for me?!? I'm as lazy as the next person... nah- more lazy, but even I would take notice if a cancer patient called and asked for their records becuase further treatment was needed. The one that really got me though was the one that argued with me that I was giving her an incorrect phone number. Uh- no Phoenix IS 602... not everyone lives in Minnapolis's 612 area code. Red tape- the true American Way!

I just have to laugh.

Given the type of cancer I had- the doctors have to do a very 'personal' exam... and they always apologize for it. Why is that? Um- that's why I'm here... so you can check me out and be sure I'm OK. Interestingly enough I was also apologized to for needle sticks, late doctors, and the fact that 2 out of 3 CT scan machines were down.... such polite people today :).

Just looking back.

Nearly 5 years to the day ago I had my cancer surgery... and tomorrow I get checked for what I hope is the last time...ever for this. Despite all the anxiety- I have a unbelievably supportive wife...thank you Busy, and your prayers have meant so very much. One odd observation... my surgery was at 6:45AM... tomorrow's appointment is at 7:45am- why so early?!?

Must be me...

The speedometer on Busy's car has been stuck on 20MPH (32KPH if it matters ;) ) for weeks. Today, for whatever reason it decided to work for me the whole way to work. Ironically- Phoenix rush hour did not allow speeds much above 30MPH (48KPH)...but at least I know that for sure! Hey...KPH made me feel better...seems real fast!

Why?

Why would the protective plastic cap on my deodorant say "Embrace Challenge"? Are we so depressed as a country that a product that is supposed to keep us smelling good has to try to inspire us too? Hmmm.

Something to think about.

M: "Hey, dad guess what?? I can bend my head down by only moving my neck"

Of course- he then further demonstrated his flexibility by sitting Criss-Cross-Applesauce on the floor, bending forward and touching his nose to the floor. He's too cute.

Silly law enforcement officers...

Ok... I've been stopped dozens of times in my life. I have been given exactly 3 tickets: 1 speeding, 1 coasting stop, and 1 for a burned out headlight. I'll preface this by saying I delivered papers overnight in a small town (suburbs really of where Hobbit Sister lives), and the cops were bored. Like when I got a new car and the temporary license in the window. I was stopped every night for a week by the same officer- to see if it had expired yet...uh- not yet. Or the time I was followed for 6 miles (Busy was with me that time) I delivered 10 papers in that time, plus dropped some off at a business. Then, when I was stopped, the officer asked what I was doing. Hmm- delivering papers (not to mention he had checked the back seat where 300 papers were stacked. Or the officer that watched me toss papers up to a school- stopped me and asked if I just threw out a bag of trash. No- delivering papers like the LAST time you asked me. Once I was driving Busy's brother's car (HRH's Mom's Husband...confused yet?!?). The officer stopped me and the first thing he said was "Your not B!" He didn't even tell me why he stopped me...just let me go. There was also the time our Ford Tempo aka the biggest pile of junk that ever lived, blew up. Every light went out- and the breaks totally failed. It was 2 am- we were almost home- so I drove VERY slowly home to change cars. Of course we got stopped, and I couldn't stop. We rolled for a block, till I finally bumped a curb... Officer laughed at me because he though I was a drunk- then escorted me home. Ah yes... my criminal past.

I love these moments.

M wanted to make breakfast this morning- so Busy told him he could make waffles in the toaster. He is big enough to do that- and it wasn't the first time. About 15 minutes later M comes back in our room. I asked him if the waffles were ready- and he said, not yet and he was really hungry!! As a side- I strongly discourage the use of the word starving- as there are people who really are starving, of which we are not. Anyway... I went to investigate. The toaster was set to 1...oops, and the waffles were popped up- he just couldn't see them. I wonder how long he would have waited? Gotta love it when Super M still has a 6 year old moment. :)

Today's encounter with Arizona DPS

Today, as I was driving M to his home-school program (with Busy and Z in the car) I noticed a Highway Patrol behind me. He followed us from 1 freeway, to the next- then waited an exit to turn on his lights. I was really a little confused- but I pulled over (scary on a Phoenix freeway during rush hour). The officer approached- and said I had blown past him at 75MPH at Country Club- and it had taken him this long to catch up (not my speed, but traffic caused his delay). He then mentioned he saw that motorcycle driver cut me off back there. So- after the obligatory license and registration check- he gave me a warning and let me go. Several things were funny- first you'll see how far that was on the map. Second- why didn't he pull the crazy motorcycle over that was going between cars and cutting people off?? Who knows- but he was very polite, and did not give me the ticket I deserved. Also...ever wonder why they ask you where you are headed? Uh- I was going to drop off the illegal immigrants in the trunk before going back to my secret drug lab...or not ;)

Why 4AM is too early to get up.

First- there is not sun...even in the Great American Southwest. Second- children's toys- such as dinosaurs...ouch. Third- your brain isn't in gear just yet. For example- I just opened my lunch bag to realize I packed: Yogurt, Oatmeal...so far so good.. and for lunch- a 16oz can of pineapple.

Silly, pointless, but very funny TV shows.

It may come from being alive, and the right age, to watch the first Simpsons cartoon ever. It may be that I'm just a little weird- the jury is still out on that one. For some reason, though, these crazy, often wildly inappropriate, shows make me laugh. The Simpsons, Family Guy, And *gulp* sometimes South Park. But, lest you think I'm totally weird- I do like 'normal' comedies like Scrubs! I really can't place it, but mostly it's because they will poke fun at anybody or anything.

My parting thought- from Family Guy yesterday:
"Lois- you know you can't spell overreact without ovary!"

*Legal mumbo-jumbo- "The Simpsons" TM and copyright are owned by FOX and its related companies. "Family Guy" is a registered trademark of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. Image illustrated by Paul ter Voorde
**The views expressed by animated characters in the blog may not reflect those of the blog owner or management.

Major pet peeve.

People who relentlessly bug you to do something- then 3 weeks later tell you they changed their mind. Worse is when it was a favor- and you have been following up on it for 3 weeks. I guess- as the saying goes- "Can't fix Dumb!"

National Toasted Marshmallow Day

Yes folks- that is today! Do you burn your's black or toast them brown? Any funny marshmallow related stories? Do you have a weird fear of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man?? Oh- I know that I have gone beyond toasted marshmallows... but I think in fairness we can cover all of marshmallow-dom to day. This all started because K-Love brought it up this morning. A cub scout went on a camping trip, and his mom (single) went with him. She was the only mom there, and the youngster was not to please about this. That night while toasting marshmallows one of the kids started waving a flaming marshmallow around. It flew off the stick and it the mom *splat* square in the forehead. The marshmallow stuck fast- flames and all...needless to say the mom was an instant celebrity. The scouts had to give her first aid and she became the topic of conversation from that point on. Go marshmallows!

Observations from a bus stop...

I left a little later than usual today- and happend to see the kids that wait for the bus at the enterance to our apartment complex. These are older kids...middle school I think. There was 1, yes ONE parent there. We live on a very busy street- sadly I'm guessing it's not that parents can't be there- it's they won't be. I did notice one very wonderful sight though... as the bus pulled up one dad hugged his son good bye... better still- the son initiated the hug!

My day with Z today.

Busy and M went to a birthday party nearly all day. That left Z plenty of time with dad. I was a little disappointed he took an extra long nap- but he made up for it. After a little snack- he wanted to play hide and seek. Well, more like- I tell you where to go then I find you. We played until he got bored- it amazes me how long his attention span can be if he wants to do something. As Z wandered off to play by himself for a bit, I made lasagna for dinner. Z is pretty sure it was pizza, since I got his 'really?!?' face when I told him what it actually was. But- the real reason I posted is I gave Z the chance to say prayers at dinner tonight. He got very excited, then serious- and said, OK dad. (Z talking now). First dad, fold you hands like this, (perfect little hand fold). Then he muttered in his best little voice: "Thank you daddy, thank you water melons, thank you Thomas, thank you dinner- Amen!" When I said water melons? He simply said- yes, water melons. To top it off, at exactly 7:15 he informed me he was tired- and it was bed time. One book, 2 hugs and kisses and he is out like a light!

Why I love Busy :)

Read this post from her blog :D


http://busymommy-justincase.blogspot.com/2007/02/why-i-hate-baking.html

Why guys don't get flirting...

Today Busy and I were lounging on the bed- talking about the day, and work and all. I asked if she was flirting with me. In her best WELL DUH voice- she said.."I WAS wiggling my BIG toe, wasn't I??" Guess that's the 'come hither' move of the 21st century *hugs* Love you Busy!!

12 Rules for Life

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; It's on loan to us while we're here ...even our kids.

12. And finally...Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

I wonder about Noah...

When it rains here in AZ everything is so terribly dirty. I wonder... as the water receded was Noah confronted with the deposits of dead tree branches and leaves we find here after a hard rain? Now, granted, it was a little wetter in Noah's day... but still. We just have this picture of a green pasture and bouncy animals coming of the ark. I like to think Noah saw something a little less 'pretty' maybe because when I look at our desert landscape after a rain I like to think I catch a small glimpse of what it may have been like.. and even more so feel a peace when I look up to see a rainbow after a storm. Great reminder of God's presence- even when the surrounding world isn't so very neat and pretty.

Regarding M and Z :)

I wrote these as part of something a little less happy... but this was so good I thought I'd post it here :)

M. is an incredible boy- full of life, touched by God with gifts of wisdom beyond anything I’ve seen in a child before. He understands and comprehends things grown ups would never see in million years. His greatest joys are giving and making others happy. He makes gifts for neighbors, writes letters to people, draws for, prays, and asks about people. He is bright as can be at school- loves math, geography and reading. He has his parents’ passion for reading. He is popular because he includes everyone. He considers it a good day if he makes a new friend.

Z is so full of life. He is a daredevil- fearless. He is a child of extremes- either overwhelming joy and laughter, or sobbing when he is sad- he is wonderful. He tells stories to rival the best I’ve heard a child his size make up. He is every bit a flirt, and every bit a boy. He loves Thomas the Tank Engine- and idolizes his big brother. He is smart too… he knows his colors, shapes and can count and knows many letters. He talks to bugs- they are his friends, ants, flies, whatever. He loves to visit the zoo… and loves animals of all types.

Any how... it made me smile to put these here for somebody to actually enjoy :)

The things (my) kids say...

Today Z was walking around with one end of fruit by the foot stuck in his mouth- the other stuck to the bottom of his foot (he really is pretty short...) When I said something about it, M totally dead-paned says "Uh, dad- that's why it is called fruit by the foot" Why is it a six year old that normally has no sense of a joke can pull one out like that, and not realize it was actually funny? This was amongst a whole long distance call to see if BusyMommy or I knew the title of this 80's movie where a girl dressed like a guy to see what guys were like... (the movie was "Just One Of The Guys" that that's another matter...and not nearly as cute ;)

Rainy days in Arizona

Well- they are few and far between- more this time of year though. Z looked out the window, thought a moment and said: "Daddy! It's washing outside!!" One of those oh-so-cute moments!

Proof natural selection does not work...

I stopped at Starbucks this morning to buy coffee for the office. Happily holding my corporate card I ordered 2 of the 10 cup 'to-go' containers. The really happy (or overly caffeinated...) worker told me it would take 20-30 minutes. A little perplexed I asked what would happen if I ordered 10 cups of regular black coffee. She, still quite perky mind you) informed me that she would fill my order right away. So... with my sarcasm bubbling over I asked if she would do that, then pour them into the 'to go' box for me. Bigger smile still... think she missed my sarcasm... said- no, but if you want a to go box it'll be 20 minutes. Then, when I though she could sink no lower, she mimed holding a phone- and said- Sir..(Am I that old??) You need to call first for those big orders. I assume if you are at work at 6:30 am at a COFFEE place you are awake. I also know that if you order a *deep breath* Super-Half caff-Skim-double shot-extra foam-with sprinkles-and whipped cream-to-go- you'll get just that...so she can handle complex directions. Why, oh why, then can't she see that in fact 10 cups of coffee is the same volume no matter the container... of course I have been party to a McDs worker insisting they don't have half dozen nuggets- just packs of 6. And- Hobbit sisters (in)famous medium/large pizza debate. Which brings to mind the fact that once a Wendy's worker sold us a small fry every time Z said 'French fries' while BusyMommy was ordering. The total comes up, and the nice, again really happy, person reads "that's 15 small fries, 2 drinks... “I shudder to think I have to drive next to these people on my way home... Well, at the last street red was for Stop... but here it must mean go. See my previous blog on office coffee, and maybe that'll explain why I was in the mood for some 'real' coffee this morning. *notes how very accurate the title 'Random Ramblings has become..."

I just can't understand some people...

In reading over my break today- I came across a story on www.HPANA.com - a well known Harry Potter site. I was curious about the leaked books yesterday- and if legal action had started. I was schocked to find that 2, yes TWO newspapers had published reviews. These reviews contained spoilers- including how the book ends. You may think that this was some rag of a paper- but it was not, it was the NEW YORK TIMES and the Toronto Star... both very major publications.

If you wish to email- if for not other reason than to flood their servers you can do so at:

Letters@nytimes.com and city@thestar.ca

Remember... I don't endorse this list :)

50. Can’t Stop the Music (’80)
By 1980 disco was gasping on life support. Unfortunately, nobody told the Village People it was time to pull the plug. So moviegoers were subjected to this last ode to mirror balls, disguised as an inspirational biopic of how the group’s construction worker, cop, Indian, GI, cowboy, and biker joined forces and learned to spell YMCA.

49. Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man (’91)
Dress up pretty boy Don Johnson as a cowboy and greaseball Mickey Rourke as a biker and give ’em guns—a drug-trafficking bank is fucking with their local bar! Cool, right? Not even if Philip Michael Thomas were thrown in as the Maytag repairman could this brain-dead buddy pic have sucked tailpipe any harder.

48. Erin Brockovich (’00)
At last! Julia Roberts totally naked! She plays a secretary who uses her jahoobies to beat the bad guys. Ha, ha, fooled ya! This bait ’n’ switch chick flick is actually about an overbearing, Wonderbra’d rabble-rouser who yaps at an octave level somewhere between fingernails on a chalkboard and a dog whistle. Who’s she hollering at? Who else—male corporate wags who dumped a little poison here and there.

47. Blues Brothers 2000 (’98)
The use of unnecessary violence toward the makers of this sequel…has been approved. Not only did this sorely misguided sequel fail to elicit one measly chuckle, but it dared to try replacing John Belushi with a bloated John Goodman and a pink-cheeked harmonica-honking brat. Prepare to burn in hell, Dan Aykroyd.

46. A View to a Kill (’85)
In his last appearance as 007, a 58-year-old Roger Moore creaks into action against Silicon Valley blower-upper Christopher Walken and his ultrabeastly gal pal Grace Jones. Although we have a blind allegiance to all Bond films, we feel compelled to go on record saying that anyone who plays the MI6 agent should be young enough to pop a boner.

45. Battle for the Planet of the Apes (’73)
By this fifth installment in the simian saga, the story wasn’t just about monkeys, but apparently being directed, written, and produced by them, too. Battle was slapped together for a third of the original’s budget (the costumes are moth-eaten) and the climactic showdown pits ape against humans in slow school buses.

44. The Sound of Music (’65)
The hiiillls are aliiive with the sound of…us blowing chunks. Baron Von Trapp rules his offspring with an iron hand till peppy nun Julie Andrews brainwashes them to break into songs about baby deer and raindrops on roses—putting us in the uneasy position of feeling relief when Nazis show up to stomp their tea party.

43. A Gnome Named Gnorm (’94)
A Breakfast Club curse? Think about it: Molly and Ally both boarded the Oblivion Express not long after its release, and for the whole of the ’90s, Anthony M. Hall had no happier reason to pull on his acid-washed baggies and lace up the white high tops than this buddy-cop caper, costarring a midget in a rubber gnome costume.

42. Soul Man (’86)
Check it—C. Thomas Howell plays a rich white boy posing as a G in order to wax it at Harvard Law School by overdosing on “suntan pills.” Unfortunately, such callous racism prompted hostility among African-Americans that eight years later helped fuel the L.A. riots. To this day costars Leslie Nielsen and James Earl Jones just can’t get along.

41. Exit to Eden (’94)
Why’d they invent Viagra? Because a whole generation of men watched this movie on pay-per-view in their hotel rooms, hoping for some decent soft-core porn. Instead they were treated to the sight of Rosie O’Donnell shoehorned into a leather corset. Director Garry Marshall should refund your eight bucks for this masturbate ’n’ switch.

40. Zardoz (’74)
Yep, Sean Connery traded his license to kill for a red diaper. The year is 2293, and civilization has split between primitive “brutals” and a colony of effete, telepathic intellectuals. See, bad boy Connery stows away in a floating god’s forehead, and, er, never mind.

39. Rhinestone (’84)
Thank God Hollywood finally got off its lazy, formulaic ass and made a musical comedy with Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton! Sly nailed the role of an uneducated brickhead whose voice could neuter a cat. And Dolly gives an unforgettable performance as…a country-western singer. Let’s hope Mr. Stallone cowrites a sequel!

38. Battlefield Earth (’00)
We’re not alleging Scientology brainwashes its flaky flock, but that’d explain John Travolta’s fervor to turn L. Ron Hubbard’s book into this megabomb. The humans-enslaved-by-aliens plot is lame, and Travolta’s manic performance as a nine-foot cosmic overlord makes Ricardo Montalban’s Khan look positively nuanced.

37. Speed 2: Cruise Control (’97)
Hey, pleasure boaters—make way! A whiny computer genius who’s got copper poisoning has hijacked a jewel-laden cruise ship that’s careening out of control at 12 knots! We hope Jason Patric was wearing a life vest, because as Sandra Bullock’s new LAPD boyfriend he helped send Speed 3 to a watery grave.

36. Under the Cherry Moon (’86)
We’d change our name to an unpronounceable symbol, too, if it were connected to this cinematic pit stain. Ditching the funky vibe of Purple Rain, Prince bored fans shitless by prancing around the Mediterranean as the most implausible con man ever and falling head-over-platform-heels in love with rich bitch Kristin Scott Thomas.

35. Junior (’94)
Apparently, our fearsome T-800 grew a vagina during the filming of Twins and Kindergarten Cop and then got knocked up like a drunk virgin on prom night. But the weird science here is that this Ivan Reitman comedy spooge paved the way for Arnold’s redheaded stepchildren, like End of Days and Collateral Damage. If only he’d been on the pill…

34. Mandingo (’75)
We’re not sure who set back race relations more, James Earl Ray or the makers of this Old South soap opera. Because, apparently, slavery was mostly about bad actors getting it on in the hayloft and delivering lines like “Pleasure me, you ebony wench!” It’ll take hypnosis to forget seeing that English neighbor from The Jeffersons inspect a slave for hemorrhoids.

33. Cobra (’86)
Our love for plotless, gratuitously violent movies is matched only by our hatred of murderous cults that dance with their axes à la the musical Stomp. Sure, Stallone fires his twin Colt 45s nonstop, but unfortunately none of the bullets bounce off Brigitte Nielsen’s rubber breasts and kill Cobra’s cornfed sidekick and the obligatory asshole police captain.

32. Scenes From a Mall (’91)
Hey, it’s another brilliant, intellectual, thought-provoking Woody Allen movie! Oh, boy! And Bette Midler plays his wife! They argue a lot in a shopping mall! And—are you sitting down?—Bill Irwin’s in it, as a mime! All right, mime jokes! Hey, wait…where you going? I thought we were gonna rent something together…

31. Spice World (’97)
We’ll tell you what we want, what we really, really want. We want 92 minutes of our lives back and a five-way lesbian porn video to make up for this affront to A Hard Day’s Night—not to mention civilization as we know it. Apparently, Girl Power means farting around miserable London, acting stupid, and dressing like a street ho.

30. Xanadu (’80)
Hey, we understand that Hollywood was doing handstands in a mountain of coke back then, but Olivia Newton-John as a Greek muse who inspires an artist to create a roller disco rink? Come on! The finale, complete with codger Gene Kelly on skates, is an endless, chaotic clusterfuck that killed off musicals for years. So we owe it that much.

29. Cocktail (’88)
It pretends to be a drama about New York’s singles scene, but when was the last time you saw some douchebag bartender take five goddamn minutes to mix a drink—and be wildly cheered on for making a show of it? And while we never see Tom Cruise slurp a brain eraser off Elisabeth Shue’s rack, he does perfect the selfish-yuppie role he’s run with ever since.

28. Cool as Ice (’91)
Friends, have pity on Vanilla Ice. Is there one among you who didn’t once sport a jackass haircut or dress like a bargain-hunting Martian pimp at some point in the early ’90s? You, private citizen, can burn all photographic records of such excesses. Ice will have this albatross around his neck long after his razor-shaped eyebrows have gone gray and his truss hangs down past the crotch of his neon-yellow genie pants.

27. Clambake (’67)
When he wasn’t gorging on fried Crisco-and-jelly sandwiches, Elvis was cranking out cheapo musicals—and this one ranks pompadour and sideburns above the rest on the Shit-o-meter. Sure, the King looks stiff playing an oil baron who trades places with a lowly water-skiing instructor, but Clambake gave the world such classics as, um, “Hey, Hey, Hey.”

26. Godzilla (’98)
Can you imagine how many toy makers wanted Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich’s heads on a platter after this colossal load was pinched out on the moviegoing public? When a movie is so bad that little kids aren’t interested in plastic lizards that breathe fire, you know you’re in trouble. But how could this have flopped? It starred Matthew Broderick!

25. Howard the Duck (’86)
Every high school had one of those kids who could beat the odds and get every question wrong on a true-false test. With Howard the Duck, George Lucas was that kid. From the man who made Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and the Indiana Jones movies we get this militantly unfunny flick about a cigar-smoking duck.

24. Double Team (’97)
Chest-shaving Belgian midget Jean-Claude Van Damme is a counter-terrorist—whatever that is—hunting has-been Mickey Rourke. Rourke, in turn, is gunning for Van Damme’s preggo wife. This film also stars Dennis Rodman, prompting the Anti-Rodman-in-Movies legislation currently before Congress.

23. Heartbeeps (’81)
According to Amnesty International, Iraqi political prisoners are forced to watch this robot love story as a form of torture. Ouch! As runaway domestic droids, Andy Kaufman and Bernadette Peters make toaster ovens seem charismatic, sputtering lines like “I operate most efficiently with maximum data input.” Robot humor slays us!

22. Psycho (’98)
Cross-dressing serial slasher Norman Bates seems perfectly rational compared with the loon who thought it’d be neat to remake—shot for shot—this Hitchcock classic. The only innovation in this pointless experiment is how director Gus Van Sant managed to film Anne Heche’s shower scene without revealing that she’s actually a 10-year-old boy.

21. Hook (’91)
“Look, honey—Peter Pan!” How many hapless parents accidentally subjected their impressionable children to the hideous spectacle of Robin Williams in tights? Oh, and the tykes won’t spend a few years in therapy sorting out Dustin Hoffman’s menacing drag queen Captain Hook? Just sit Junior in front of an autopsy video—it’ll be far less traumatic.

20. Dune (’84)
The United Nations Geological Survey maintains an exhaustively detailed database of arable land throughout the world. And according to its latest data, it is not possible to grow enough marijuana for this movie to make even the slightest bit of sense. There simply isn’t room.

19. The Last Movie (’71)
Whoa, deep, man. There’s this movie stunt man played by a really stoned-looking Dennis Hopper, see? He shoots a Western in Peru and then sticks around afterward, only to be crucified by the movie-crazed natives. See, it’s like a parable about the death of colonialism and Western culture and stuff. Like, is that heavy or what? Pass the Long Bong Silver, dude.

18. Moment by Moment (’78)
Ever wonder what could possibly make you kill yourself? How about watching a young John Travolta prance around in tighty-whities for two hours and repeatedly bang his mom? At least that’s our interpretation of his creepy relationship with Lily Tomlin, his domineering 40-year-old look-alike lover. Coincidentally, Moment was released the same year as the Jim Jones mass suicide at Jonestown.

17. Gymkata (’85)
If you need a covert operative to work in a hostile environment that just happens to be littered with gymnastics equipment, Johnathan Cabot is your man. U.S. gymnast Kurt Thomas plays Cabot, who fights for America’s right to build a missile base in tiny Parmistan. On the plus side, the cinematographer helps make diminutive Thomas look human-size.

16. The Thin Red Line (’98)
“Oh, my soul, let me be in you now…” Whoops, we bought a ticket to a WWII action flick but wandered into a candy-ass poetry reading. Supposedly about a battle for Guadalcanal, Line had plenty of existential windblown grass and precious little combat, leaving Nick Nolte and Sean Penn holding their dicks instead of their rifles.

15. Moulin Rouge! (’01)
A musical…about a love-struck poet…in France? Save us a seat! Only drugged-out hairdressers and pompous critics could endure this two-hour torture session. Not even Nicole Kidman on a giant swing could disguise the fact that this pretentious pabulum was merely a hyperactive fashion show pretending to be a movie.

14. Nell (’94)
Meersa arna boorba zoo zoo…Bafourna moola hooky hooky la la low… Bisguh foofa Jodie Foster la la la…bazoozoo koo koo koo! Loo loo Liam Neeson munga munga Natasha Richardson git gat giddle anna gat gasay… Loo loo lee. Mecka lecka hi mecka hiney ho chippa. Translation: Despite heavy star power, this movie fucking sucked.

13. The Godfather Part III (’90)
Not even if Tom Green were cast as Michael Corleone and the plot revolved around an Osama scat video could this Coppola turd be any more of a disgrace to its two flawless predecessors. With no Duvall, a wretched Sofia Coppola, and impossible-to-meet expectations, this baby was released stillborn on Christmas day.

12. Cutthroat Island (’95)
The $92 million idea: Give Geena Davis a sword and put her in situations where her blouse is likely to get ripped. Throw in a love interest with whomever—Matthew Modine? Sure, fine—and let Geena’s husband, Cliffhanger director Renny Harlin, hold the megaphone. The result? An $11 million gross. Oh, we get it—it’s a comedy!

11. Dirty Dancing (’87)
Poor, timid Jennifer Grey will never get a chance to have the time of her life with the unimaginably heterosexual Patrick Swayze. But wait! Swayze’s tramp dance partner just had an abortion! Love triumphs thanks to a fetus ex machina. Yep, nobody puts Baby in the corner…or in anything like a real movie since this stink-o-rama.

10. Little Nicky (’00)
Adam, Adam, why hast thou forsaken us? Just when we’d learned to appreciate The Waterboy and Happy Gilmore as unpolished comic gems, you went all high-concept, playing a mush-mouthed spawn of Satan. Too bad that between all the special effects and cameos you forgot to stick in a single funny gag.

9. When Harry Got Mail in Seattle
Let’s see: Meg Ryan crinkles her pug nose while she yaks (and yaks and yaks) about finding love with the right man. And Tom Hanks (or maybe Billy Crystal) is a normal, joke-cracking guy until he suddenly realizes he isn’t complete without—get this—Meg Ryan. And pug nose wears some funny hats. We forgetting anything?

8. It’s Pat: The Movie (’94)
News flash: One-trick Saturday Night Live skits that suck don’t stop sucking up on the big screen. A Night at the Roxbury, Coneheads, Superstar—it’s enough to make a goddamn bukkake video. We never cared whether Pat, played by Julia “Who?” Sweeney, was a he or a she as long as it can go screw itself.

7. The English Patient (’96)
As we had to keep our eyelids open with toothpicks, we can only remember that this wannabe epic was mind-numbingly boring. Maybe subtitled, too. Basically, a WWII pilot played by Ralph Fiennes gets shot down, burned to a crisp, and then meets a hottie nurse. But that’s where the hijinks end and our suffering begins.

6. The Postman (’97)
Having given up on art films like Tin Cup and The Bodyguard, Kevin Costner directed, starred, and danced with letters in this tale of postapocalyptic mail service. There’s an underdog, world-saving superhero, some bad guys who smoke, and a troubled, imperfect love interest. Sound familiar? It’s Waterworld on land, with everything that implies.

5. Staying Alive (’83)
Hollywood suit: “John, babe, in contrast to cool, streetwise Tony in Saturday Night Fever, we dress you up in a banana hammock, rub you down with baby oil, and…hello, Broadway!” Travolta: “Where do I sign?” Directed by Sly Stallone, Alive proved to be the first duker in a decade-long string of crappy Travolta flicks.

4. Armageddon (’98)
Hmm, a Texas-size asteroid is headed toward Earth, so NASA sends up a dipshit oil rig crew to nuke it. This idiotic story—which makes Chitty Chitty Bang Bang look like a documentary—is told through a nonstop hiccup of sappy scenes, including one where Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck playfully feed each other animal crackers. At that point we tossed our cookies.

3. Patch Adams (’98)
The Mad Libs script: Robin is a (noun) in a (noun) whose superiors are put off by his unconventional antics. However, the (plural noun) all love him, and in the end Robin’s gently comic, sweetly philosophical love for humanity wins everybody over. In this case Williams is a doctor who yuks around in clown shoes in front of game-over cancer patients.

2. Steel Magnolias (’89)
Gaggle o’ squawk boxes Sally Field, Daryl Hannah, Shirley MacLaine, Olympia Dukakis, and Julia Roberts are cast as small-town beauty parlor gossip queens. And what do you get? A weepy chick flick so menstrual it single-handedly emasculates Ron Jeremy’s entire body of work. Why is it a tearjerker? Who knows? Somebody broke a nail or something.

1. Batman & Robin (’97)
Holy Batcrap! You had to smell a stink bomb when pantywaist Robin got equal billing with the Dark Knight. How did window-dresser-turned-hack-director Joel Schumacher demolish a cherished franchise? He forgot it was about BATMAN! Schwarzenegger camping it up as Mr. Freeze…and Alicia Silverstone overstuffing her Batgirl tights…and given Batty’s prominent new codpiece, let’s hope the Superfriends have a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Ugh, enough.

Wonder why they need me at work sometimes...

Twice in the past two weeks I've booked a trip for one of my directors- only to be told that they found a better deal/time for their flight- can I get that one? This wouldn't bother me, except that they aren't using our companies travel tool to find these great deals. Even after I run the search again, send them the results, and show them that either the flight isn't there or will cost $900 more (to arrive 1 hour sooner) they insist I should call the help desk to see why I can't get the fair they found on Orbitz or where ever. These are Directors in a department tasked with quality and cost reduction...internal audit anyone?

Howard the Duck

Ok.. read the post below this one first :)

I must have really poor taste...

I was reading about the worst movies of all time (no relation, while watching Grease 2). Some of my favorites are on there... who can't love Batman and Robin... the campy one liners made it funny! Howard the Duck... stupid funny movie- who wouldn't love a 4 ft tall duck that has to save the world from giant squid creatures (apparently not many people...lost 21 million dollars). Caddyshack 2?? Now- don't get me wrong- the first is a classic... but 2 was alright. Stop or My Mom Will Shoot... maybe I have a weird Estelle Getty thing..dunno. Hudson Hawk failed to make the list, 2 hours of my life I can't get back. Or what about the movie slaughter adaptation of Eragon- that was a far worse adaptation then Howard the Duck- in my humble opinion anyway. For those that want to laugh.. (I don't endorse this list) Maxim made a list... which is good for a laugh if nothing else :)
http://www.maximonline.com/articles/index.aspx?a_id=4706
Again.. I love most of these... but the writing made me laugh :)

Whipped Cream

Kudos!! to the man who invented whipped cream. Face it...only a guy would say- hey, lets squeeze the underside of a cow, and then throw what comes out into a bowl. Oh, I know, we should add tons of sugar and beat the heck out of it and see what happens. I half think the entire product was the result of a bar bet on who would eat what. Ever hear those Real Men of Genius commercials? This could be one of those. Don't get me wrong- I have asked for gingerbread with obscene amounts of whipped cream, and been know to eat spray whip cream right out of the can. Being quite the nerd, I did Google who invented whip cream, and I liked this answer:

... [maybe it was] someone on horseback is carrying a half full container of cream and riding fast -
which partially whips the cream.

But, the world may never know...

How plain...

I really need to change this layout- it's kinda boring...

Regarding Office Coffee

Why- in the name of all things caffinated, do people who don't really drink coffee feel compelled to make it?? If I fill my giant, bright yellow, cup and can see the bottom- IT IS TOO WEAK!! If I wanted to drink warm, brown water, I'd drink Mesa City tap water without my filter. Though, to be fair, I drink coffee when it is 115 degrees outside- so I may have a serious problem...

Something new...

Well- this is my first entry, nothing special... but more to come soon :)